Don’t be Tardy for the Party

It was the first day of my temp position. I arrived about 15 minutes ahead of time just because that’s what I do. I guess no one else but me and the white boy got the memo because everyone else strolled in when they were just about good and ready. So let’s get it in.
A little after 9 a.m. a returnee decides to arrive with a bag of McD’s breakfast and gives pounds to the homies. We get it. You’ve done this before. So he proceeded to sit in my vicinity and eat his meal even though he was late. And I could tell exactly what was in his mouth. The breakfast sandwich and a whole lotta spit. I know because I heard everything. It sounded like a cow. Imagine if I dared to look up at his mouth. Ugh. Table manners people.
Also walks in a 19 year old temp. She’s dressed in what she must’ve though was business attire. I guess if your business includes climbing up and sliding down the pole, then she was right on the money. The girl had on shorts so short that I could see the black on the bottom of her ass. She wore moccasins and electric blue nail polish. And all day she twirled her weave. When we were asked to tell a little bit about ourselves, she informed of the important attributes including her birthday being next month. Who the F**k Cares? She should’ve continued by saying she like long walks on the beach and romance novels. This ain't eHarmony?
One man was decked out in orange and navy. Very reminiscent of the NY Mets. But his story ends here because he left and never came back after lunch. I guess he went to see the game.
You’re probably laughing and I can definitely pour more of this onto you but honestly, I’m making myself upset. People, you hear my cry. I can’t do this anymore. I need a place where people are on my level. Not to say that I am above the rest. But c’mon. You know what, scratch that. I need a job that surrounds me with people that are ABOVE my level. At least I could learn from them and take something from the workplace.

Cheralyn "Big Fat Failure" Nimrod

“Inquire Within”

“Apply Here”

Yeah, right.

I’ve applied to just about everywhere known to man except the nearest strip club. I mean what does it take to get a job as a college grad with much experience? What was all of this college for? I’m just waiting to run out of toilet tissue so I can actually use the degree to wipe my ass. Over-qualified for McDonald’s. Under-qualified for a Teen Coordinator.
I know what I’m going to do. I’m going to get a nice, sturdy, large cup and beg on the train for change. I read somewhere that even panhandlers make around $27,000 yearly. Or I can buy advertisement space and paste my résumé on all the major streets. Or how about printing t-shirts and coffee mugs with my résumé on it. Sounds like a plan but I still need money to do these things which goes back to me needing a job.
For now I guess I’ll just email everyone a copy of my résumé and post it on my blog.

EDUCATION:
Brooklyn College/CUNY, Brooklyn, NY
Bachelor of Arts in Psychology recipient, May 2009

PS 77 Lower Lab School Assistant Teacher, New York, NY, 9/2006-6/2010
· Administer educational programs to children after research and development.
· Stand in as a substitute head teacher when needed.
· Prepare and correct tests and assignments.
· Document attendance and grade records.
· Supervise the health and safety of children during lunch, recess, and field trips.
· Build relationships with children while working on individual goals.

New York City Parks and Recreation Urban Park Ranger Fellow, New York, NY, Summer 2006, 2007, 2008, & 2009
· Offered general information to park patrons such as directions and rules and regulations.
· Administered educational programs to children at playgrounds and high activity sites.
· Helped the public appreciate natural and historic elements.
· Provided low-level enforcement to ensure public safety in the park environment.

Brooklyn College Community Partnership Teen Counselor, Brooklyn, NY, 1/2006-4/2007
· Counseled high school students with personal and academic issues.
· Created an environment that is diverse and relevant to the needs of adolescents.
· Developed and executed programs that address youth issues.

Macy’s East Seasonal Sales Associate, Brooklyn, NY, 10/2004-1/2005
· Provided customer service while maintaining presentation and professionalism.
· Implemented merchandizing ideas and displays.
· Assisted clientele with purchases on sales floor, in fitting rooms, and at the registers.
· Cultivated client relationships to increase customer satisfaction and repeat sales.
· Surpassed daily sales goals.

HIP Health Plan of New York Administrative Intern, New York, NY 9/2003-8/2004 · Performed general office operations, administrative tasks, and special projects as needed.
· Created and modified documents using Microsoft Office while maintaining hard copy and electronic filing system.
· Answered and transferred phone calls to appropriate staff members.
· Confirmed appointments with patients.

The Brooklyn Alliance Young Women's Health and Technology Website Developer, Brooklyn, NY 2/2003-8/2003
· Contributed as a team member in developing www.teenunit.com.
· Efficiently and effectively made use of community resources pertaining to issues about teen health.
· Researched, colleted, and broadcasted articles on the subject of adolescent well-being.

Police Athletic League After School Counselor, Brooklyn, NY 9/2002-6/2003
· Assisted children with homework and guided students in their academic growth.
· Planned and created innovative age appropriate activities
· Corresponded with families about their children’s strengths.